• Mac

4am Inner Dialogue

I’m up at 6:44 am on a Sunday. Eleven (my cat) woke me up meowing as loud as she could at the front door. I stayed in the bedroom as long as i could before coming out to SPAZZ. Only to realize that the reason she’s crying is because someone had walked out of the front door. It’s fucking 5:30am at this point. Who tf? Where tf you going? Right? Wrong! That’s my controlling ass nature partnered ever so nicely with my maternal instincts or maybe it’s one in the same. Either way, i was afraid. My mine raced in a million different places. The most prominent being the night i was arrested in my home. It was the same time of morning. My furniture was arranged the same way it is right now. I call my bro to see if he’s okay, no answer. He has no car though so i walked outside to see if i saw him; nothing. I checked to see if the random FBI van was still visible on the WiFi and it was. My stomach felt gross. All I could remember was the feeling of fear and anger from that memory. It was a lot adding to my already confused mind. To this day there is not a day that goes by that I don’t think of that entire experience. Some days more than others but it’s a recurring memory and it doesn’t feel good. I actually drilled my bro when he got back. So much so that he said “fine i won’t do it again,” as if we aren’t all adults here. He went on to bed but i stayed up. It had been so long since I felt fearful in that way or uncertain. I had to sit with it alone for a while. I even pulled a few cards asking if i was right about the entire incident being so intense because of my own shadowing fears. They dragged me. Twice with yes and advice to stop the negative self talk and remember that As a human being, I am the Emperor and The Priestess. There is no power greater outside of myself than that which resides within me. I soon after realized that my bro was probably unable to sleep with the furniture rearranged just yesterday, vibes new & it was 67° inside with ppl asleep for the night so logically he went outside for a smoke. He’s flacco like I am. So i understand. In the morning though, I’m going to Have to tell him I’m sorry, as uncomfortable as that uncertainty was for me, it must’ve been nothing compared to the uneasy accusatory feeling I left him with after 20 questions. Lol. There’s actually no way of physically knowing where he was or what he was doing besides his word. Just like there’s no reason to know because If I’m willing to take his word in the first place I care more about the person than the actions or circumstances and THAT, that right there is a superpower. It’s Love. I’m still human. I have no where to take this type of shit when it happens to me since It’s literally my life’s purpose to be this place for others, lol. So I figured I’d give a peace of Mind a peak into exactly how this mind body and soul of mine all works together.

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